


Constructive Criticism

by Brennan4



Series: Don't Feed the Plants [3]
Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 16:59:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10881099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brennan4/pseuds/Brennan4
Summary: Caitlyn Hessler is a film critic who hates a film and writes a two word review. Those two words go on to define her life, legacy, and accomplishments





	Constructive Criticism

Being a movie critic might not seem like a hard job. You watch movies and give opinions on them, something a lot of people do for free. Caitlyn Hessler would be one of those people if she hadn’t been a paid film critic for the Washington Daily. Today she felt like it was hard work being a movie critic. The thing about being a movie critic, at least a successful one, is that you have to have the skills of an actual respectable journalist, and use them to describe something that is basically an excuse to sit in a cool dark room and eat popcorn on a hot summer day.

The movie she had to review, _Granny on the Run_ , felt like a total waste of her skills. It was the third film directed by alleged comedian Eric Hill, and the stupidest one so far. It was particularly frustrating trying to apply her writing skills to this trainwreck when she had so many other problems that she couldn’t deal with. Her house had an infestation of termites so she had to get it fumigated. This meant she had to spend the weekend with the only relative willing to let her stay, Uncle Riley.

Uncle Riley was a drunk slob who got hit by a rich investor limo, and won a lawsuit that left him set for life. Rather than use the money to improve himself or accomplish some sort of personal dream, Uncle Riley spent it on sports memorabilia and flat screen TVs. She had to work two jobs to ger her writing degree, and he got everything he needed because he didn’t look both ways when crossing the street.

Caitlyn was racking her brain for something, anything, to write about the movie. Everything she wanted to say could be expressed in two words: It’s stupid.

In search of ideas Caitlyn snuck a bottle of fancy vintage from Uncle Riley’s wine cellar, knowing he would not miss it and doubting he would even notice it was gone. Wine sometimes helped write snappy reviews, but today it wasn’t working. The same two words kept coming back.

It’s stupid.

Nothing she could write could top that. Those words said it all. Saying any more would require more brain cells than were used in the movie’s creation.

It’s stupid. 

After an hour of staring at a black screen, Caitlyn had had enough. Maybe it was the wine, but she could not bring herself to care enough to write a serious review. She remembered that the Guinness World Record holder for shortest film review was Leonard Maltin’s review of Isn’t it Romantic? The review consisted only of the word “No.”

Caitlyn didn’t feel the need to break that record but would happily accept second place. Her review of Granny on the Run was twice as long as Martins, and left a lot of room for the Washington Daily to place ads. The review read:

“It’s stupid.”

A week later Granny on the Hill opened to a massive box office success. It was the highest grossing film Eric Hill had made, and by the end of the week he had signed an exclusive deal with Netflix to make seven movies over the next seven years. However, not everyone was in love with the movie, and all of them pointed to Caitlyn’s review to explain their grievances with the film. “It’s stupid” became an internet catchphrase, and soon not a day went by where Caitlyn would not see an unauthorized bumper sticker of her most successful work.

This wasn’t exactly what Caitlyn wanted to be nationally known for.

Eric Hill responded with an essay that was billed on the front page of the Hollywood reporter titled “A detailed response to Caitlyn Hessler’s review of Granny on the Run. The essay simply read, “It’s supposed to be.”

Now Caitlyn was really ticked. What did that mean? It you knew a film was going to be bad, why make it at all? Why waste everyone’s time? It was bad enough that Caitlyn was now forever associated with minor internet meme, but the subject of the review didn’t even offer a defense. She refused to take this lying down. All of her journalistic skills would now be targeted at making Eric Hill give up and produce something actually worthwhile.

The first of Hill’s Netflix movies was called _Tuesdays with Zadfrack_. Caitlyn felt Hill had done nothing to improve his work or make it more advanced than the last one, so she felt her review should do the same. This time she wrote:

“It’s stupider.”

The thing about memes is they are inherently derivative, and the slightest modification can breathe years of life into one. With this second review Caitlyn’s work was now forever intertwined with Hill’s and both of them were more renowned than ever. The second Netflix movie Hill made used her review to garner attention, titled, _It’s Gonna be Stupidest_. The first trailer got more YouTube hits in 24 hours than any other comedy film.

Now Caitlyn felt like she was being used. This whole thing spiraled out of control and she felt like someone was mocking her. She wrote a guest op ed for the New York Times titled, “Eric Hill is making everyone dumber,” in which she hit the exact maximum word count the editor would allow.

Her review of Hill’s next movie was similarly verbose. She pushed herself harder than ever before. She picked through every detail of the movie, every flaw, and explained them in visceral detail. She held nothing back. She ended the review with an impassioned plea for effort and creativity. She begged people not to watch any more of Hills films. She said that each time he made a movie, he lowered the average intelligence of the country more and more. She warned that if people kept rewarding him, they were dooming any chance for personal growth or development.

The public did not find this amusing. One late night TV host named her “Party Pooper of the Week.” Hill himself went on talk shows and said he found her review strangely disappointing. Caitlyn yelled, “That’s the point!” at her TV.

The meme started to die soon after that. Caitlyn had once had a reputation as a snarky genius but soon people viewed her as a killjoy. The bumper stickers began to disappear.

Obscurity creeped around Caitlyn. The book deal she had been in the talks with fell through. _The Washington Daily_ put more focus on other critics.

Meanwhile, Hill was more popular than ever. His reputation as the most popular thing to complain about faded away too, but his supporters stayed strong. Eventually nobody remembered why they had made fun of him in the first place. Caitlyn continued her merciless dissections of his movies, but the public was now on his side. Her editor kept telling her to tone it down, to be less cruel. This only emboldened her more. It got to the point where she would mention him reviews of other movies, using him as the barometer to which she measured everything else.

She was told that she was becoming obsessed and if she didn’t stop, she’d be out of a job. She didn’t care. Uncle Riley died of liver failure and left everything to her. She lost her job at The Washington Daily but continued her work on a personal blog. Readership was low, and commenters kept telling her to let it go already.

She was surprised when she received an invitation to present an award the Comedy Film Association Awards ceremony. Fifteen years had passed since the review of _Granny on the Loose_ and she was shocked people still remembered her. She supposed that her reputation as an unpleasable spoilsport would make it an honor if she delivered the award, as if acknowledging that someone had finally made her laugh. It was far from the truth.

She was presenting the Groucho Award, given annually to recognize a lifetime of achievement in film comedy. She stepped onto the stage, feeling awkward to literally be in the spotlight for the first time in years. She recited her description of the award, a bland, toothless speech designed to make sure the Association didn’t have second thoughts.

She tried her best to open the envelope with dramatic flair. A chill swept through her body when she read the name.

Eric Hill.

It was funny how two words can have such a powerful effect. Two words got her into this mess, and her punishment would also be delivered with two words. This was the end of her story, as a bad a comedy as anything Hill had ever made. Now she understood why the Association had wanted her to present. The ultimate mockery of her life’s work. She would have to recognize Eric Hill as a legendary comedian on national TV and there was nothing she could do about it. She had lost.

She ready the name to thunderous applause and laughter from the audience. Hill came up on the stage, looking just as surprised as she was. Caitlyn gave him the trophy and waited for his speech, the final nail in her coffin.

Hill said, “I have a lot of people to thank for getting me to this point. I don’t have time to give you all the thanks you deserve. So I’m going to thank the one person who has been a bigger inspiration, who has pushed me to work harder, than anyone else.”

He turned to look at Caitlyn. “Fortunately, she’s here on the stage.”

Caitlyn didn’t know how to respond, so she just stood there feeling like the biggest idiot in the world.

Hill continued, “I know a lot of people have made a lot of jokes about us, and we’ve made a lot of jokes about each other, but I always took you seriously. I read all of your other reviews and thought about the people you applauded. I tried to be like them. Id did everything I could to finally win your approval. I don’t know if it worked, but i worked harder to do that then anything else I’ve ever done. Thank you.”

Caitlyn started crying.She wondered how much of her life she had wasted being petty. Would it really have been that hard to meet Hill half way? In all the years of degrading him for never improving or growing, what had she done that made her any better?

She reached over and hugged him, drawing applause and cheers.

She whispered two words, more important than any other pair of words had ever been to her.

“I’m sorry.”


End file.
